well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You did what with his pubic hair?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
