the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
