dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
