if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
