I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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