I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
