I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
