The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
