I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
