so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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