My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
