i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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