Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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