Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
