I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
