twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I got inside last night via doggy door
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
