i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
