wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
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I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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