as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
