she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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