my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
