I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
