everyone is single if you try hard enough
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I believe in your delicious
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
