We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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