I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
