I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
