I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
