I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
