That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
