Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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