Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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