Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
