My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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