My friends, they love my intelligence
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
