My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
