apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
third nipple confirmed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
