I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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