I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
