I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
