he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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