Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
