My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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