so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
