You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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