i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
