So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think i have two assholes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
