I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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