I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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