I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
