It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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