Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
