i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
