Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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