I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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