I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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