I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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