New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
