I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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